My Word for the Year | Growth
A reflection on the year 2019: my hopes and goals for the upcoming year
The start of a new year naturally causes one to pause and reflect on the year behind. My first instinct and thoughts are to label 2019 as a hard year. Maybe my hardest. Most of the year I really struggled with loneliness and depression. Those of you who know me well will be very surprised to hear this because I manage to hide it well. There were times this past year that the despair and exhaustion were so overwhelming that I thought it would be better to no longer be alive. Because, then at least I could be done, I wouldn’t have to fight anymore. I could call it quits.
But, the same little human beings that brought on the hormones, the exhaustion, the feelings of inadequacy and failure. They were the one thing that kept me hanging on. I could never leave my babies. Who else would love them and care for them the way I do? So I held on. But, unfortunately, not in a way that I can look back and feel proud of. Some days I was so impatient and short with my babies that I ache just at the thought of it. 2019 was a year of refining that I didn’t feel proud of when I got to the other side.
Not that I didn’t learn a thing from the refiner’s fire. I was truly humbled in a way I’ve never been. For the first time in my life I could not do it all. I could not achieve success or perfection. Despite all my desires to be better, at the end of the day I continually landed far below my aim. I learned that I can’t do it all on my own. And, I learned that my Heavenly Father NEVER expected me to. He never expected me to be absolutely perfect, he knew it was impossible. He knew I would stumble and make mistakes. Which is why, in his infinite wisdom and love, he sent his son to save me. The relief that washed over me, when it finally clicked. The joy, the overwhelming love I felt is indescribable. Despite my depression and frustration with the trials of life, I learned that if I turned to my savior I could find moments of joy and peace.
So, my prayer and focus for 2020 is on growth. Growth to learn to be calm, patient and loving, no matter the circumstances. Growth to be an example no matter the loneliness of the path I walk. Growth to live a life well loved. Because the next time that refiner’s fire hits, I want to be ready. I want to walk through the flames with grace and hope; Looking steadfast towards the light that I know is there.
If you are currently experiencing that overwhelming darkness in your own life...
Please know that you are NOT alone, you have a Father in Heaven, an older brother who gave His life for you and so many others who care deeply for you. They all love you and I love you! If you need a safe place to talk, I’m always here. If you want to know more about my religion and beliefs, I am a member of The Church or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I love learning more about what others believe and sharing what I believe.
Want to know more about me? Read my story.
